Precious Time
by fatedtopretendd
Summary: "Julie had learnt over the years how much Ryan meant to Marissa. Tonight, she saw the precise magnitude and if she was completely honest, it scared her a little. Her daughter's happiness was frighteningly entwined with this one boy from Chino." Late season 3, Ryan and Marissa are brought together by a terrible event. CHAPTER 4 added.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: New fic! So this was meant to be a one-shot but I thought there was scope for something longer. So expect possibly two more chapters. Unfortunately I can give no guarantee on when that will be but please bear with me. It shouldn't be an unreasonably long wait (I say hopefully!) Anyway, I hope you enjoy this. A little note that sometimes it's not entirely chronological because I switch POVs between Ryan and Marissa. And this is set in late season 3 during Ryan/Sadie and Marissa/Volchok.**

**Reviews are always welcomed, and they might just spur me on to write and post faster ;)**

* * *

It happens as these things usually do, unexpectedly, out of the blue. She is in her new room at the Roberts' house, getting ready to go out. Nowadays, that only meant putting on a clean outfit, brushing her hair and applying a whisp of mascara. After all she would only be going to the Bait Shop or some sleazy party Volchok had in mind and then she would hopefully be drunk through most of it. She checks on her phone, seeing if he had left a message. When she finds nothing, she's about to go get her flask but Summer opens their adjoined door before she can.

She doesn't know how she knew but the minute Summer stepped into that room, it was like the atmosphere changed, becoming filled with a cutting tension, laden and heavy. She caught the look in her eye, that was fearful for the news she was going to give, and the ache in her stomach which has just developed, grew exponentially. Something was terribly, terribly wrong.

"Coop, something's happened. There's...been an accident."

Summer waits for a reply or for some reaction but Marissa merely watches her with dread filled eyes. Is it Kaitlin? Is it her mother? Her father? But she knows by that saddened, scared look on Summer's face that it's _him_.

"Ryan's in the hospital."

"No." she whispers, her voice barely audible. The word hangs and circles in the air, enticing Summer to go over and comfort her best friend but she can tell Marissa is still in the process of absorbing the news. Marissa clenches her fist, willing herself not to cry and breakdown but a solitary tear still escapes. "Is he okay? How bad is it?"

"I don't know exactly. He was driving home and we think some car crashed into him. He's alive, but it's not great," her throat catches at her own words as Summer too begins to grasp the gravity of the situation, "...but it's not absolutely terrible either." she adds to reassure both herself and Marissa.

Marissa takes in her words and nods her head slowly. She gets up and picks up the jacket lying on her side.

Her own voice sounding foreign to her, she tells Summer calmly and cooly, "Alright, let's go to the hospital." From somewhere within her, she has found this steely exterior so unlike her but Summer only needs to look at her seriously to find the shakiness simmering underneath.

"Coop?" Summer questions gently as she moves to hold her friend's hand. She presses down lightly as if to ask if she is okay. Marissa squeezes her hand back, accepting the support gratefully; at least for the moment, she is managing.

* * *

The hospital is a chaotic mess. All of them, herself, the Cohens, Summer and even her mother, are all milling around trying to extract information about Ryan's condition. Will he survive? Does he need surgery? What is the extent of the surgery? It's all a maddening blur and all she is really conscious of is the possibility that the love of her life - call it an exaggeration but no matter what has happened between them and wherever they stand now, that is who he is to her, the love of her life - remains in a critical condition. The doctors hint it is a possibility that he may not live through the night. It takes everything in her to keep it together. At every second, it feels like she's exerting every force in her body to not break down into howling tears.

The night unravels and eventually exhaustion dawns up them. They concede to the doctor's pleas and sit silently, waiting for further news. Finally, a doctor comes out and tells them the surgery went well and everything should be okay. They should be able to see him in the morning when he wakes up. She registers the information but it doesn't settle. There's a brief interlude where she feels relief rushing through her body but all the panic and the fear and the pain which had been with her through the night soon returns. She excuses herself to the restroom and locks herself in the toilet as all the turmoil of the night finally unravels. She sobs and sobs losing track of time. At some point, Julie must have realised her daughter had been gone for too long and she goes to the restroom to find her. As her tears subside, Marissa hears a soft tap against the toilet door.

"Marissa, honey, I know you're in there." she hears Julie call out to her. To her surprise, when she opens the door, she doesn't do so reluctantly. Julie looks at her sympathetically and Marissa figures it must be the exhaustion because for the first time in forever, she collapses into her mother's arms, crying fresh tears. She hadn't thought her mother would have stayed at the hospital all this time. Even more, she hadn't thought how much she would have needed her there.

Julie holds Marissa tightly, gently rubbing her back.

"It's ok Marissa, he is ok, everything's ok." she says soothingly.

"I know." Marissa croaks out, "It's just, I could have lost him tonight."

Julie had learnt over the years how much Ryan meant to Marissa. Tonight, she saw the precise magnitude and if she was completely honest, it scared her a little. Her daughter's happiness was frighteningly entwined with this one boy from Chino.

* * *

When he wakes up, the first thing he feels is sharp pain. His whole body is sore and aching. He finds Sandy slumped in a chair by his side with his eyes shut. He feels bad waking him up but his throat is painfully dry as his voice whimpers out asking for some water. Sandy awakes with a startle and his face bursts into a triumphant smile. Soon after, his room becomes flooded with a mass of people as Seth, Summer and Kirsten come in and fuss over him. Time and time again, it takes him by surprise to see this number of people caring for him. It's tense at first when they all walk in because everyone's still a little concerned. Then Seth cracks a joke, Summer throws in a comment and they all laugh breezily. Kirsten tells him she's really glad he is okay and gets a little weepy but quickly wipes away any tears. He takes it all in and it feels nice to finally have a family. But even with all of them here and all their concern and all their care, he notices one person who is missing. The good humour and the light-hearted banter cannot make him forgot. In spite of everything, he thought she would have still cared. He can't help it when the words slip out.

"Where is she?"

Seth misunderstands and begins, "Oh God, sorry man. We totally forgot to call her and let her know."

Ryan's eyes go wide in shock. _How could they forget to call her?_ It's the most outrageous thing he has ever heard.

Then Summer jabs Seth in his ribs with her elbows as she scolds him, "He's not asking about Sadie, Cohen! God, he's asking about Coop." She pauses and looks at him to check, "You are, aren't you?"

He doesn't want to give a direct yes because to do so makes him appear so blissfully ignorant of his actual girlfriend but Summer's right, so he offers her a curt nod of the head to confirm. He still doesn't know why she isn't here.

Seth, keen to redeem himself, quickly offers, "Oh Marissa's here. She's been here all night." Ryan's head perks right up again. Seth's about to elaborate but he ends up not needing to.

They all hear the rapid shuffling of feet and then her voice as she queries in a panic, "Is he awake? Is he okay?"

She walks in in a daze and Julie follows after her. He's oddly touched to see Julie.

"Hey." She speaks softly and a little hesitantly. He takes her in: her eyes were all red, her hair was roughly tied up, her make up had been wiped away and the little that was left was carelessly smudged across her face. She still manages to take his breath away.

* * *

They were all in the waiting room while Sandy took the seat in Ryan's room. They had all managed some ounce of sleep as the tiredness took over. She wakes up a little bit before everyone else and the fatigue hits her afresh. She gets a cup of coffee from the machine nearby but it feels sickly in her mouth. She gulps it down anyway, hoping it will force some energy into her body. It's a quarter to seven, Ryan might be awake. She considers checking on him but decides she needs the toilet instead. When she gets inside the cubicle, she is thankful she doesn't break down even if a few lone tears slip out. She comes out and splashes some water on her face in another attempt to refresh herself. Watching her tired reflection in the mirror, she feels weak. After everything, she doesn't think she can see him because what if he doesn't want to see her? Their last encounter was in the school corridor, where her flask had fallen out and hostility had rung through. She presses her hands against the basin edge and steadies herself. A scene from Valentines Day three years ago flashes across her mind; she recalls Sandy telling her not to give up on Ryan. _He nearly died_, she thinks and feels a pang in her chest. For the time being, the past is inconsequential and no matter what, she needs to let him know she cares. She couldn't bear it if he ever doubted that. Resolute, she walks out and finds only Julie sitting upright in the waiting room. He's awake.

She doesn't need her mother to tell her as she breaks out in a semi-sprint to his room. In her panicked hurry she struggles to remember the directions. Rushing down the corridor, she almost stumbles and falls. A boy catches her and she mumbles a thank you. Before she dashes off, she gives the guy Ryan's room number and asks if he knows where it is. To her surprise, he tells her successfully. With a second thank you, she's gone. The boy is just a blip in her mind who she takes little note of but he registers her golden tangles and the angelic curves of her face. Her natural beauty is hypnotic and when he accidentally meets her mother's eyes, he is embarrassed.

Marissa almost collapses into Ryan's room and a jumble of incoherent questions come out of her mouth.

"Is he awake? Is he okay?"

And then she sees him lying on the hospital bed, so battered and bruised.

"Hey."

She anticipates he will be wary, perhaps a little distant and reluctant. She expects awkwardness but when he greets her back, it is natural and it feels like the last year didn't happen. Everybody else is silent.

"How are you feeling?" she asks taking a step forward.

"Okay I guess. I am a little sore and my arm's kind of killing me but," he pauses and takes in the softness of her eyes, "I'm okay." He holds her gaze and makes everyone else in the room feel like an intruder.

"You know I could really use a coffee." Julie speaks out. "Does anybody else want anything?" Sandy and Kirsten follow her lead and express a burning need for coffee and soon the adults are filing out of the room. Summer says she needs to pee and Seth suggests somebody probably ought to call Sadie and fill her in, to which Ryan merely nods his agreement. And then there they are, finally alone. She isn't sure whether she should stand or sit down, move closer or stay apart. What she really wants is to sit on his bedside and take his bruised hand in hers. He doesn't signal what he wants so she settles on inching closer and leaning slightly on the table beside his bed.

"You really scared me." she tells him honestly.

"I'm sorry. I scared myself too." he confesses.

"It's not your fault." Their words are eerily reminiscent of past conversations.

"I'm glad you are here." he says quietly.

"Where else would I be?" She smiles at him; there's a sadness in the smile.

"Thank you anyway," he tells her with a shrug. She wonders if he knows how much she loves him. It is incomprehensible to her that he would be in the hospital and she wouldn't be there to see him, even more nonsensical is to think she wouldn't care. She wants to tell him then that she loves him and it doesn't matter if he doesn't love her or want her, she will love him anyway. She doesn't love Johnny, never has. _Why couldn't he ever believe that?_ But she says nothing. It would be too selfish.

The doctor arrives to carry out the necessary check-ups and everybody else soon returns. When the doctor details his injuries, her face is stricken with fear. It really was close. She looks at Ryan, her face pale and he smiles back kindly.

"I'm fine, I promise." His voice is reassuring but undermined by the grimace which slips out as he tries to sit up. "I will be fine." he adds.

The doctor suggests that Ryan should probably get some more rest and try to sleep.

"The rest of you could do with some rest as well." he offers.

The parents chime in and second his suggestion.

"Marissa honey, you should really go home and get some sleep. You can come back later." Julie encourages her daughter. She is tired beyond recognition and doesn't doubt her body's need for sleep. Even so, she doesn't want to leave him and her first response is to looking at him trying to discern whether he would want her to say.

"Go." he says softly and she doesn't protest. More firmly he repeats, "You guys should all go home and get some rest. I'll be okay."

"Ok man. I am pretty tired and based on that suspicious odour, I think I might be in need of a shower."

"Yeah, not gonna lie Atwood I am kind of exhausted and Cohen smells." Summer chimes in.

"Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I called Sadie, she said she would be here soon so you won't be alone for too long and hey we'll be back soon."

"Thanks Seth, that'll be fine."

"Right, so we'll be off then. Bye man."

They all get up and begin to shuffle out of the room. For a moment Marissa meets his eyes and smiles briefly, telling him silently that she'll be back. At the mention of Sadie, she had stiffened slightly; she doesn't think she could bear to watch her with him, now of all moments. Something in her broke at the thought of Sadie being there with him, caring for him, _loving _him maybe, in this fragile time. Walking out of the room, she felt the delicacy of it all. How life and death had hung in the balance and how he had escaped it. The thought grappled at her and scared her. She felt that urge then as she often did in her weaker moments for the numbing support of alcohol. It was all suddenly too much. Yet, watching Ryan in that hospital bed, moreover the ordeal of the night before left her shaken in an altogether different way.

Getting into the car with her mother, she searched for her hand and then took a deep breath before she said, "Mom, I think I need to go back to therapy."

Silently she also resolved she would end it with Volchok. She couldn't go on like she was, not after such matters of life and death.

_**A/N 2: All the medical stuff I just made it up, I have no clue if any of it has any factual merit but you may have noticed, I'm quite vague as it is. Basically Ryan got hurt bad lol.  
**_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: So here's the second chapter. It's not that long but this also meant I've been able to update quicker. I have a feeling people might be a little surprised by the direction I'm taking this fic in that Ryan/Marissa's **_**romantic**_ **reunion will not be immediate. But bear with me.**

**Thank you for reviews from the last time and as always would appreciate more feedback.**

* * *

They all come to visit him later in the afternoon, they're lucky it's a Saturday. Neither of them could have gone to school on a day like this. Sandy and Kirsten don't stay too long, realising the kids would prefer to be left alone. The four sit and chat and it feels like the old times. Then he starts to feel fatigued from merely being awake and the stinging pain returns in his chest and a fresh ache enters in his broken left arm. His discomfort becomes obvious to the others and then suddenly the dynamic shifts as they remember it is nothing like the old times. He curses himself silently for getting hurt but then in many ways, things had already changed between the four of them when he broke up with Marissa. Through the haze of pain, he watches her approach him and gently place her hand on his shoulder. Her voice is soft and he realises how much he had missed that simple sound.

"Hey, are you okay? Should we get a doctor?"

"No, no I'm fine." he grits out but his pain is unmistakable.

"I'm just going to go get a nurse to be safe though." Seth says before leaving the room.

He shuts his eyes and takes in the feeling of Marissa's thumb lightly moving back and forths. He thinks it's one of those unconscious things, falling into old patterns. When after a while she moves her hand, the patch on his shoulder starts to feel cold and he finds himself missing her touch as well. A nurse comes and they do some checks and then hit him up with the morphine. He falls into a quick slumber and is fairly lacking in consciousness for the rest of the night. He remembers faintly somebody draping their fingers over his hand. He is sure the person was not Marissa; their touch was too harsh.

* * *

They are all their the next morning as well. Judging by their well rested faces he figures they must have gone home and got some sleep. There's joking and light-hearted chatter again. It makes things feel normal for which he is glad. Seth fills in on some of the antics at home while Summer rants about the recent drama on 'The Valley'. He does his best to concentrate but his attention is often distracted towards Marissa. He notices that she sits a little closer to him and that she looks more fresh-faced. She's always beautiful but sometimes her beauty is mired with a tiredness, quite often it can be a pained loneliness. And then there are the times where she is laughing without a care in the world and her eyes are glowing and her innocence is shining through. In those moments her beauty is resounding. In those moments, he really doesn't stand a chance. What he sees now is closer to the last version but even so, he catches those floating signs of hurt behind her eyes. Maybe it's that which scares him into caution.

Some time around midday Sadie comes in. It's weird how rapid the change in their relationship had been. Before his accident, he had been so enamoured by the relationship. They were fucking all the time, if not that, making out or walking down the pier holding hands and kissing every now and again, all of that cutesy coupley crap. He's a little nauseated when he thinks about it now. It suddenly all feels so unsubstantial.

Sadie comes over and kisses him on the forehead. From the corner of his eye he watches Marissa get up from her seat and stand back. He wants to shout at Sadie for kissing him, wasn't it just a little bit inconsiderate? Sadie moves to sit on the edge of his bed and takes his hand in her lap. The whole thing felt so completely awkward but he obliged anyway. Seth continued with his talk in the hope of keeping things feeling normal but all Ryan could do was flick his gaze from Sadie to Marissa. He could tell Marissa was uncomfortable, it was evident in the way her eyes were averted, fixed strictly on Seth and Summer. Her phone rings and when she jumps out of the room in relief, he is frustrated even more. If only they were still together, things wouldn't have to be so difficult. It could be her sitting on his bedside and it would actually be nice to have her holding his hand. But it's so pointless to even think about because they broke up or technically he broke up with her. She clearly got hurt and in some ways, he knows it was his doing. She's not a saint either and perhaps that's what makes the entire thing so fucked up.

It must be some sixth sense thing he has but minutes after Marissa has stepped outside the room, he picks up the agitation in her voice when she speaks into the phone.

"Can't you just drop my things off at my place?" he hears her say. He wonders who she's talking to, resentfully he guesses Volchok. "God, and I thought you would be helpful….yeah I know, silly me….Fine, fine, I'll meet you at the diner, just please bring my stuff with you for God's sake."

There's the faint thud of her flip phone clasping shut and then she's standing at the door offering her goodbyes.

"Hey, sorry guys I'm going to have to leave you for a while. I need to go...do an errand."

She doesn't seem particularly enthused about said errand but she doesn't appear devastated to be leaving either. He's secretly disheartened.

* * *

She's back at the hospital two hours later. Volchok had been an asshole, she shouldn't have expected better but she had thought he would at least have the decency to stick to his word and bring her very few things with him. Why did she have to leave her favourite leather jacket at his place? she thought annoyed.

Coming into his room, she sees that he's alone watching a documentary on the TV. It doesn't take him long to notice her.

"Hey, you're back." A beaming smile comes across his face and butterflies, which she cannot control, flutter in her stomach.

"And you are alone. Where did everyone go?"

"Sadie had to go meet with the builder about fixing some things around the house. And Seth and Summer went to grab lunch and I think also some alone time." He shrugs nonchalantly and adds, "I've only been alone for the last half hour, probably less actually. It's alright."

Suddenly nervous, Marissa asks, "Do you want me to go?"

"No, no." he insists quickly. "Some company's nice."

"Good." she tells him, moving to sit in the chair close to his bed.

"I'm sorry about Sadie before, if that's why you left." she suddenly hears him say.

"No, it had nothing to do with Sadie." she corrects him quickly. Resigned, she also clarifies, "Even if it did, you have nothing to apologise for. She is your girlfriend right?"

She hadn't meant for it to come out as a question; she hadn't thought he would take it as one. But he really pauses for a second to process her words and then confirms, "Right."

For a while, neither of them speak and then he asks her.

"So where did you go?"

She groans inwardly at the question, knowing what his reaction will be.

"I um, I actually went to see Volchok." and then in a poor attempt to play the event down adds rapidly "And then I went home, took a shower, grabbed some lunch, listened to my mom's daily ranting -"

"Volchok?" Ryan spits out. She flinches at the disgust at his voice. It makes her feel guilty and equally irritates her to see him accuse her when he has no right.

"It's not like that." she says firmly. Maybe her tone is just a little too biting. Softening her voice she tell him, "We broke up."

"Now?" His surprise is obviously evident and just so paramount that it is a little amusing.

"No, actually I ended it yesterday."

"So why were you seeing him today?"

"He was meant to drop some of my stuff off when I met him today at the diner. Stupidly I believed him. He ended up bringing nothing with him."

"He's a dick."

She shrugs like it's the most obvious observation. In many ways it really is.

"So...what happened? What made you…?" His question trails away but she understands.

Her hand carelessly runs through the tangles in hair and then settles on scratching the side of her neck. That really was a loaded question.

"It was a lot of things." she admits. "I knew he was bad news before but with your accident, it became about 10 times more obvious. It just felt wrong to be with him."

"I'm um glad it's over. You were really too good for him." He speaks unsurely but his sincerity seeps through. She isn't sure how to respond; they have never been that great at talking about their other relationships. Later when he dozes off and she sits watching, she absent mindedly wonders if the accident had changed anything for him too. Things felt different between them but she was all too aware of the myriad of issues which remained unresolved between them. Those things the accident could not alter.

* * *

The first time she meets him is by the coffee machine. Technically it's not the first time but it is the first time she notices him. He looks about their age and is a mop of sandy blonde hair and his eyes are a heart warming brown.

"You're the girl who almost fell over!" he exclaims. "And then you asked me for directions." She is confused at first, forcing him to elaborate. "Like five, six days ago. You were in a rush and you kind of tripped and I caught you. Then you gave me this room number and I told you were to go. Remember?"

"Yes, sorry, I actually do." she replies with an awkward laugh. "Thank you for that."

"My pleasure." He throws her a smile and she is surprised to find it so charming.

She could have left at that point, she had her coffee and the pleasantries had been said. But Ryan was asleep and Seth was with him anyway and most of all, something about this guy had her intrigued.

"Hi, I'm Adam by the way." He extends his hand and she willingly shakes it.

"Marissa."

"So I'm guessing by the fact that you're still here that whoever you were rushing to see is alive and recovering well hopefully."

"Yes they are. And you…" she begins.

"I'm just a random guy who lurks hospital corridors in the hope of picking up beautiful girls." he jokes and a tiny smile escapes from Marissa. "But seriously, I'm here visiting my grandma."

"Awh. Was she in an accident?"

"No, she's actually a cancer patient. She became really sick about two weeks ago and they've kept her in the hospital ever since. The cancer wing's on the floor above. I usually try and visit every day, but the coffee on that floor is bordering on diabolical - actually the machine's broken most of the time - so I often come down here. Sometimes when I'm bored I do walk around the corridors but I promise it's not creepy."

"Oh yeah?" she challenges.

"Yes, I assure you I am not a creepy pervert. Just a very sweet boy who is deeply considerate about his grandmother."

"Well, I have to admit that part is quite sweet." She admits with a little laugh. They're flirting and it's strangely nice.

"It also helps that she is the owner of a disproportionate sum of money but I am in no way vying for a generous inheritance." He grins at her and she laughs again. "So who is your special person in that hospital room? A boyfriend maybe?" he asks teasingly.

"Um, ex-boyfriend actually."

"That…that sounds complicated." To her surprise, his tone is not disappointed by almost sympathetic towards her.

"Yeah it kind of is." she tells him a little apologetically. She suddenly feels bad having flirted with him. Between her own problems and all the issues between her and Ryan which go unspoken, she is far from ready for a new relationship. And of course, there's the little matter of being in love with Ryan. Although they've got their friendship back since the accident, the wounds from their break-up still sting. And then ever so often she notices this void in their relationship. It is composed of all the things unsaid and the memories which they could never confront. The only way to close it is to talk but they wouldn't know where to begin. "I should be heading back."

"Yes of course. Sorry for having kept you."

"It's okay." she smiles at him without knowing the effect it has on guys. "It was nice meeting you."

"Same."

Still, Marissa thought as she walked back to Ryan's room, the guy was pretty cute.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Chapter 3, here you are. Many, many thanks for reviews. I've left some individual replies at the bottom. More reviews are always welcome ;)**

Sadie asks him about Berkeley and that's when things come apart. He's been at the hospital for a fortnight now and is counting the days till they discharge him (only three more days to go). The first week had been fine but by the time the second week approached its finished, he was incredibly frustrated. Everyone was busy during the day, the parents with work and Seth, Summer and Marissa with school. They visited during their lunchtimes when they could and their evenings where pretty much always spent at the hospital but in the mornings, he only ever had Sadie for company. At first he appreciated it. She was someone to talk to and keep him company, so their relationship carried on in its stagnant slumber.

But then one morning she says, "So, I was thinking. I know you applied to Berkeley and well, I've got this uncle who lives there and I thought it would be a really great chance for me to start up my jewelry business. He said I could stay with him, might even lend me some money." He stares at her blankly and she seeks out his hand. "This way we could be together come fall. We could, I don't know, maybe even live together, but I don't know, we can work that out later."

Her eyes are full of optimism and all he can manage to stutter is, "No."

"Ok fine, we don't have move in together. It was just an idea." she corrects.

"No, I mean no, I can't do this." He sits up straighter and moves his hand away. Her smile drops in a flash.

"What do you mean?"

That's when he knows he can no longer carry on. Berkeley was almost sacred ground. Living together, working out their futures together, these are all conversations he had with Marissa. God, they had applied together. The whole concept of Berkeley, everything to do with it, felt intrinsically tied to her, to their relationship.

"I can't go to Berkeley with you." he tells her simply.

"What, what are you trying to say Ryan?"

"Look Sadie, I think maybe we should break-up." He's surprised at how little the words affect him. "I'm not ready to be going to Berkeley with you or living with you or whatever. I just don't see our relationship heading there so I think we should just end it here."

She stands up, completely infuriated. He thinks maybe he should have done this earlier, she might have been less angry.

"Is this about her?"

Her words surprise him and he tenses up. He doesn't need her to explain who the 'her' is.

"No it's not. It's got nothing to do with her. This is about us."

"Yeah right." she scoffs. "We were fine and then you have this accident and she's here everyday -"

"Leave her out of this." he snaps. Mentally she notes she is right. This is about her, one way or another.

"Fine, I should have known this was just a rebound for you." Her voice is sad and he feels guilty, it's in his instinct.

"No that's not true," he lies. She was a rebound. "I really liked you, I like you, and we had a lot of fun but I'm sorry, I don't see a future."

She stares at him and he wonders what she is thinking. She rolls her eyes and that's when he relaxes, it's finally over.

"Whatever." she mutters and grabs her things. "I hope you get well soon." The words are said only out of politeness.

Marissa and Summer come to visit him during their lunch break.

"Where's Sadie?" Summer questions randomly since Sadie is usually here at this hour.

"We broke up." he tells them casually like it's any other daily occurrence.

"What?" they both say in unison.

"Yeah, we broke up this morning."

"What, why?" Summer starts to quiz him. He shrugs, not wanting to go into details.

"It just wasn't working."

"Are you okay?" Marissa speaks up and he's instantly drawn to her blue eyes. For the first time since they have broken up, he lets himself indulge the sight.

"I'm fine." And he really means it.

"Well, that's good." she says unsurely.

Summer turns to look at her friend and raises her eyebrows in that conspicuous manner. It's her silent way of asking, 'so what happens now?' Marissa looks back uncertain, she doesn't have an answer.

* * *

She finds herself getting to know Adam while Ryan remains in hospital. She comes to see Ryan one afternoon by herself and finds him alone with Sadie. As accepting as she is about his relationship, she really doesn't want to be in that room. Instead, she heads to the cafeteria to kill some time in the hope that when she goes back Sadie will be gone. She orders a cappuccino and scans the hall for somewhere to sit. That's when she spots him, in his khaki coloured trousers and crisp oxford shirt, reading a newspaper and eating a brownie. With a smile, she walks over.

"Hi." she greets him warmly and his eyes look up, shining when they recognise her.

They share the polite pleasantries, he asks about Ryan, she asks about his grandma and before she knows it, she's asking him about his life.

"So, tell me about yourself."

"Well, I was born in New York, moved to LA at the tender age of 4, grew up there for the rest of my life. I graduated last year from an obscenely overpriced private school and fought with my parents to not go to college. In the end we agreed, I would defer my entry to Yale till fall and I got one year to see if I could make it with my band." Her eyes widen in surprise. He sees her look and laughs. "You didn't expect that, did you?"

"No, I didn't but I mean, wow. I definitely did not expect the last part." She pauses and takes in his clean-cut, preppy appearance with a bemused awe. "So you're in a band?"

"Yep. Frontman. We're kind of an indie, soft-rock variety." he confirms.

"So what are you doing here in Newport? It's not exactly a buzzing music scene."

"The answer to that is my parents were, wrong tense, _are_ insufferable. So my grandma, who lives here, offered for me to come stay with her for a year. She's got all the hired help in the world so she doesn't exactly need me to take care of her. She's very strong about the whole cancer thing but she gets lonely, you know? And I felt bad, my family's so shit at caring for her. Like my mom will call every fortnight, she'll offer to pay all the hospital bills - not that my grandma needs financial assistance - but we barely ever go and visit her. So anyway, I thought it would be nice to come spend some time with her, for her sake and mine too. You don't know how much time you have left, right? And before you know it, the people you love or the ones you never quite realised you loved so much are gone." She nods her head, thinking back to the night of Ryan's accident and understand. "Plus, I get to say at her excellent beachside condo with great views of the sea and many bikini clad ladies," he grins momentarily and she laughs in spite of her self, "and I get to pursue the music thing with no hassle. It's a great deal all things considered." He waits, letting her absorb the news. "Ok so, now your turn. What's your lifestory?"

"Let me see," Marissa begins, "I'm born and raised here in Newport. I'm a senior at high school, hoping to go to Berkeley but most of the time, I have completely no clue what I want out of life." She shrugs awkwardly and he smiles apologetically.

"I think most people feel that way."

"I didn't used to. I used to know what I wanted or thought I did. Then I realised, what I wanted was what my mom wanted. And then it was like everything happened: my dad lost all our money, my parents got divorced, I got kicked out of school, my friend died and that's just half of it. Somewhere along the line, I became completely lost." she confesses to this person who was by large a stranger. It was oddly nice speaking outloud about the drama which had controlled her life in recent years.

"Well, the last part is at least typical for adolescence." he comments wryly and she smiles back at his response. He's out of his depth but he is far from pitying her, for which she is thankful.

"So tell me more about your band." Enthusiastically he begins detailing his experience of the last year. He talks about the type of music they played, the type of gigs they had gotten or lack thereof. He glumly admits that the band was most likely not heading anywhere and he would be forced to go to Yale. Later, over their future encounters, she would find out he was interested in being a philosophy major. She would discover he had an opinion on pretty much everything from politics to pop culture and that they shared enough of the same musical favourites to bond over but there was still room leftover for debate. She would find herself quickly drawn to his eclectic mix of interests.

When Marissa sees almost an hour has passed spent talking at the cafeteria, she hurries to excuse herself. It had been a nice afternoon and she hoped she would see him again. However, when she walks into Ryan's room and he greets her with his typical half-smile, Adam is a more distant thought in her mind.

* * *

It's his final day at the hospital. He's just minutes away from being discharged. The doctors are outside speaking to Sandy and Kirsten while he sits by himself dressed finally in his own clothes as opposed to a hospital gown. There's a soft knock on the door.

"Come in."

"Hey." a familiar voice says. His face breaks into a smile to match hers.

"Hey."

"How are you feeling?" Marissa asks. Her hand absently trails over to arrange his hair to the side. He watches her keenly and wishes she would simply leave her hand there. Instead she folds her arms hugging herself.

"Good." he says truthfully. "Happy to be finally leaving."

"I thought you might be. Seth and Summer are coming in a minute. They went to get coffee."

Almost on cue, the door bursts open and the sound of bickering fills the room.

"God Cohen, who burns their tongue sipping lukewarm coffee."

"It wasn't lukewarm, it was positively scorching. And I'm sorry, I have a sensitive tongue."

"Oh my god Cohen, you're such a pansy." Summer slaps Seth who yelps in response.

"Ow, woman! You're going to injure me. We got one man coming out of hospital and you're gonna put another man in."

The two of them stopped to look at Ryan for the first time since entering the room.

"How are you doing Atwood?" Summer asks with genuine concern.

"Better than Seth it seems." Ryan replies motioning to Seth who is still rubbing the patch were Summer hit him.

"I'm so going to bruise." Seth grumbles underneath his breath. Summer merely rolls her eyes.

"Oh, he'll live."

Ryan and Marissa laugh at the antics of the couple before them. Ryan looks at the clock wondering how long till he is finally free and he is about to ask Seth about the whereabouts of his parents when he notices a person lurking near the door. He watches as the person knocks awkwardly on the wooden panel. To his side, he sees recognition dawn across Marissa's face. Clearly she knows who he is. He takes note of the man's attractive and well-dressed appearance.

"What are you doing here?" he hears her say. She sounds pleasantly surprised.

"Um hi. Sorry to disturb you. I was wondering, um, can I speak to you outside?" the stranger replies stumbling over his words.

"Sure." she tells him and then addresses the three confused faces watching her. "I'll be right back."

The minute she is out of his line of sight, Ryan's eyes are on Summer, quizzical and bewildered.

"Who is he?" he demands.

"Don't look at me, I know as little you. I have no idea who that guy is."

"He's cute." Seth muses nonchalantly. "Silky blonde hair, muscular jaw, nice clean cut look. And he could definitely have a killer set of abs underneath that cashmere sweater." Seth pauses and takes in Ryan's glaring face and Summer's incredulous expression. "Right, that's my cue to shut up."

"Do you think they're dating?" Ryan finds himself voicing his thoughts out loud.

"Hmm, now that is an interesting question. Personally, to me he doesn't look like her type, not enough of a bad boy vibe."

Ryan ignores Seth and looks to Summer again.

"Look, they're probably just friends or something. You know Coop, she can befriend anyone in like a two minute time span. But," Summer's voice grows more serious, "if she was seeing him or any other guy -"

"Or girl." Seth interjects and is again met by two annoyed faces. "What?! It's happened before. I don't think we can rule out a second occurrence of lesbian attraction."

"Look, my point is if Marissa found someone new, you wouldn't care, right?" Summer says, ignoring Seth as Ryan had done minutes ago.

"Right." Ryan confirms uncertainly.

"Because you guys are _just _friends." Ryan doesn't reply, choosing instead to stare at vacant spot next to her. Summer continues on, "And there's nothing more you want from her?"

"It's not that simple." he mutters back.

"Ryan." Summer says sternly. "You need to work out how you feel and do so quickly. If you haven't noticed, she's kind of a catch." He mulls over her words and files them away for later consultation. At that moment, Marissa finally walks back into the room. He notices her roughly put a scrap of white paper into her pocket and wonders what it is.

"Coop, who is that guy?" Summer exclaims immediately.

"He's...a friend, we met here at the hospital. It's kind of a long story." she explains hastily. "He just wanted to say goodbye before I left."

Ryan takes in her nervous scratching of her arm and how her words come out in a rapid jumble. He suspects strongly this random guy so suddenly waltzing into their lives is on the cusp of being more than just a friend.

* * *

_The promised replies to reviews:_

_Ryanmarissa - Thank you, so happy to hear you love it. As for Ryan/Marissa getting back together, there's bit more of a wait._

_Marissa Davis - Thanks, I'll do my best to update. Here's hoping I'll manage._

_chinocoop81 - Aw thanks. (It's one of the highest compliments to hear my one-shot made you so emotional lol. Might seem odd, I know, but all my favourite fics and novels are ones which make me crazy emotional. This fic shouldn't make you that emotional though so fear not.) I completely agree with on Sadie and Johnny. Both were insufferable._

_Baggirl - Yay to liking the new guy. I really felt at some point the show needed to give Marissa a good guy, who isn't Ryan, so she could see there is life beyond Ryan. As much as I love R/M, it's healthy for Marissa to realise that. And also we never got jealous Ryan (Oliver and Johnny do not count imo)._


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I am very sorry for the long wait. And unfortunately, my life is only becoming busier so I have no idea on when I can write and post next. This isn't that well written a chapter but it moves the plot on and brings things to a decent temporary close. I do intend to finish this fic, I'm predicting another two chapters to come but honestly, I cannot not say when. Please do stick with me, and huge thanks to those already following this.**

"I think I like him." Marissa tells Summer as they lie on her bed. On the car ride back to the Cohen's house from the hospital, Marissa had explained briefly about how she and Adam came to know each other. Once they had arrived at the house, the topic had been dropped with the four friends heading to the poolhouse to indulge in some old school fantastic four time, as Seth liked to call it. But Summer had been keen to get more of the details from Marissa so at the early hour of 8, she dragged Marissa away and interrogated her immediately. Knowing resistance against Summer was futile, she told her the full story.

"He does sound great. Cute, smart, and rich, classic combination."

"And he's in a band." Marissa adds quickly in a half-dreamy fashion. Summer eyes her friend suspiciously.

"You're crushing on him hard, aren't you?"

"No, yes, ugh I don't know." Marissa huffs whilst going completely red. "I do like him Sum and it's been a long time since I've felt like this way about a guy but it's just so complicated."

"Ryan?" Summer says knowingly and Marissa nods. "What is going on with you two?"

"If I knew things would be easier. We're in this strange limbo where we're friends, we say we're friends but then he'll look at me or we'll have a moment and it's like the furthest thing from friendship."

"Have you thought about it, getting back together?" Summer asks slowly. Marissa shuts her eyes and then stares up at the ceiling sighing in the process.

"I have," she replies after a while, "and the thing is, I don't think we're quite ready." Her eyes are full of sorrow and sadness at the statement causing her friend to reach and out squeeze her hand.

"Do you still, you know, love him?"

Marissa absorbs her question and then shrugs but her voice is soft and gentle. "I'll always love him, I don't think that can ever change."

"But…" Summer prompts. Marissa looks at her friend and Summer sees something there she hasn't before.

"Everytime we break up or he walks out of my life, it's like everything just reaches this complete standstill. I don't think I can go on like that."

"You want to move on." Summer says understandingly.

"I think I _need _to." Marissa says somberly. She doesn't voice that it may not be something which she completely wants. If she was fully honest, what she wanted was to jump straight back into a relationship with Ryan no matter how destructive that may be.

"Well Coop, dating someone new is a good place to start." Marissa brings out the sheet of paper Adam gave her before as Summer's words remind her of their earlier conversation.

"He gave me his number, told me to call if he I wanted to meet up or talk." Marissa says fiddling with the piece of paper. Summer's eyes widen in her typical manner indicating excited curiosity.

"You should totally call him Coop." Summer encourages. "One date cannot hurt."

Marissa sighs and speaks with a heavy burden. "It feels like I'm cheating on Ryan." Summer looks at her confused. "I know we aren't dating and he's the one who broke up and he already moved on but we've been so close since the accident, I think getting back together was playing on both our minds."

"Coop, you don't owe him anything. Besides, you guys have always been like that, when have you two ever been just friends without it being a possibility that you might get back together." Marissa finds herself giggling in spite of her self.

"That's true."

"Look Coop, Ryan will understand. Call Adam and have some fun."

"It's not fair on him either. I'm in love with another boy and have too many issues of my own to count." Marissa mumbles.

"Call him!" Summer reprimands. "One date. Have. Some. Fun."

"Fine." Marissa concedes and in the pit of her stomach she feels a light flutter. She does end up calling him and that effusive, deep voice on the other end immediately makes her feel warm. They instantly fall into an easy conversation about a new band they've both, by chance, heard of. She enjoys the first minute of their talk and then slowly begins to grow anxious that he might not ask her on a date. Perhaps she had misinterpreted the signs and her spirits begin to deflate. However, just as the smile on her face is about to falter, he makes his proposition.

"So I was wondering," he starts, "how would you like to come see me perform?"

"You got another show!" she replies excited. He laughs on the other end.

"It's not much. There's this unsigned bands night at The Bait Shop next Saturday night, they're trying to support local bands. I can't promise we'll be any good."

"I'm still excited to find out what your music's like."

"So I take it that as an yes."

"That's a definite yes." She hears him pause and wonders whether this is a date exactly.

"Afterwards, I was thinking maybe we could catch a drink or a late dinner."

"That sounds...nice too." she says shyly.

"Um, like a date." he clarifies.

"It still sounds nice."

"Good. I'll see you then."

They say their goodbyes and the phone call finishes. Marissa flops onto her bed and feels for once like a normal teenage girl as she ponders what she should wear to their date.

* * *

They both get into Berkeley. He's in disbelief when he reads that he has been accepted. No one from his family had even managed to graduate high school, let alone go to college and an Ivy League one at that. There's a catalogue of emotions racing through his mind yet after the initial excitement and buzzing happiness, his thoughts quickly turn to Marissa. _Did she get in?_ He's about to call her when the door bursts open and he sees their beaming faces.

"Did you guys get in?" he asks excited.

"Yes!" Summer and Marissa squeal at once. He engulfs them both in giant hug.

"I'm guessing you did too." Marissa says amidst laughter.

"Yep." He loosens his grip and Summer slips out but Marissa still stays leaning against him, his arm wrapped across her waist.

"God, I can't believe this is happening." Summer says and Ryan and Marissa look at each other sharing a smile meant only for them. They hear footsteps approaching and a pensive looking Seth stumbles in.

Summers looks at him expectantly, "Cohen did you get in?"

Seth shifts uncomfortably and finally confirms, "Pack your muffler, we're going to Brown." Summer jumps over to hug him, Ryan pats him on the back and Marissa smiles graciously. "C'mon group hug you guys!" Summer insists. Seth protests but everybody else is on such a high, he quickly finds himself squashed against his three best friends. After a lot of animated chatter, the girls leave to help set up for the sweatshirt party. Ryan desperately wants a minute to talk to Marissa alone. Now that they're both going to Berkeley, getting back together feels all the more compelling. He's not a believer of signs but there's a part of him wondering whether the universe is trying to tell them something. After all, they had applied together with the distinct intention of going together. He resolves that he has to talk to her later tonight. And now that there is some new guy in her life, he's all the more confused about where they stand.

The party comes quickly and even with all the hours that have passed, he remains somewhat in shock. It's not long till he finds her but they are always surrounded by people, leaving him no chance to speak to her.

"Hey, do you want to take a walk?" he asks the first spare minute he gets alone with her. He unconsciously runs a nervous hand through his hair. "Along the beach or something."

Not thinking much of his request, she answers easily. "Sure."

They walk out. away from Harbor crowds, before finding a random spot to sit down. Looking on to the ocean, he smiles to himself at the prospect of going to college.

"I'm proud of you." Marissa says noticing the look on his face.

He faces her and tells her, "I'm proud of you too."

They stay staring at each other and his hand which was sitting next to hers inches closer so that their fingers brush. His eyes drift absently to her lips and unconsciously he begins to dip his head forward. Everything else around them fades and the only thought on his mind is to kiss her. He takes in the soft plumpness of her lips and absorbs the electrified charge between them. He is about to kiss her, he so nearly does but then at the closing moment he holds back; he is suddenly burdened by the many problems which remain waiting to be resolved. She moves her hand away and turns her face aside not giving a reaction away. The sound of the crashing waves and the beating wind once again becomes audible and he looks on to her profile debating whether he should have kissed her.

"I have a date with Adam." she blurts out.

"Oh." he mutters dumbly.

"It's not serious, I don't even think it's going to turn into anything serious." she adds hastily. "I just thought you should know."

"Thanks for telling me." he says sincerely. She looks at him, her face filled with dread.

"Are we still okay?"

He smiles at her, somewhat sadly.

"Of course we're okay." It isn't a lie. He does intend for things to be okay, he has come to realise after his accident that even a friendship alone with Marissa is too valuable to squander. There is no way he is allowing himself to lose her from his life again. He reaches out and pulls her into a hug and lightly kisses the side of her head to reassure her. "C'mon lets head back."

He didn't get to have that conversation about their relationship in the end. He realises glumly that he had been too late to initiate it; she already seemed to have settled on friendship.

* * *

She takes Summer to the concert with her. Partly to stop her best friend from moping around the house over Seth and secondly to ease her own apprehensions about the night. Summer had grumbled at first but she was curious to catch a second look of the illustrious Adam. Like she had suspected, the concert does turn out to be fun. The music is not half-bad (Marissa takes note of the songs she liked and didn't like to later inform Adam) and the first time in a very long time, with neither Seth or Ryan's reservations, the two girls let their hair down and dance in the crowds. With the final song to go, Summer says goodbye, insisting that if she stayed any longer she would turn into an intruder on their date and a definite third wheel. Once Summer leaves, Marissa's attention returns wholly on the man taking centre stage, guitar in hand and his voice crooning into the microphone. She takes in the sight and concedes she does have quite the crush. He had spotted her somewhere around the second song and through the remainder of the night always tried to catch her eye. On every he occasion he did and winked her way, she could feel herself gushing inwardly. As the first verse of the final song begins, finding her once more, he holds her gaze whilst singing the words to a love song. She feels her body tingle and when the final chords are played, she is smitten.

He is quick to find her soon after the band walks off the stage. She notices he has changed his previously sweat drenched shirt and put on a jacket on top.

"Hey!" he greets her warmly, reaching over to hug her.

"Hey." she says hugging him back.

"So, how was that?" he asks immediately.

"Well, let me see, the set list was a little mismatched maybe and I think your guitarist might have been out of tune but," she pauses and he watches her keenly, "you sir, were very good. You have quite the voice."

"Do I now?" She nods her head meekly. "How about we get out of here, grab some food and you can give me more pointers on what to improve?"

"Sure." she agrees heartily. He grabs her hand, a gesture which pleasantly surprises her, and leads them out. A while later they sit on one of the benches along pier with bags of burgers and fries on hand. She gives him her full review and he listens as he had before, hanging on every word.

At the end, he asks her "Did you have fun at least?"

"I had _a lot _of fun." she says emphatically. Silence follows and their eyes meet again and she feels the jitters in her stomach once more. He starts to move his head closer and she tilts hers just slightly forward. It's all the sign he needs and within seconds he has closed the distance to capture her mouth in a kiss. Her first thought is that the kiss is nice. The kiss continues to deepen and she feels a rush of feelings come over her. She knows she is falling for him as he kisses her but in the back of her mind, her residual feelings for Ryan come to grapple her. She's caught somewhere between wanting to run far away from those emotions but at the same time being scared to do so. Overwhelmed by the confliction, she finds herself pulling away from Adam.

"I'm sorry." she mutters. Her voice is barely audible.

"Oh God I'm sorry if I was too forward -"

"No, it's not you." she cuts him off immediately. She takes a deep frustrated breath and then tells him, "Adam, I like you, I do -"

"I like you too." he interrupts with an easy smile coming across his face.

"But I'm a mess."

"I don't think you are, certainly not to the extent you seem to think you are. We all have our problems." Marissa shakes her head dejectedly and then buries her face against her hands. He looks at her in confusion wondering what he can do to make things right.

"I'm so sorry about this." she says once again.

"Hey it's okay, I just can't work out what's wrong."

She looks at him despondently. "It's not you. I'm just...working through a lot of things at the moment." Filled with resignation she tells him, "Thank you for a really lovely night but I think I should leave."

He thinks about protesting but senses a determination in her.

"Can I at least you drive home?" he asks her sweetly with a lopsided smile. The smallest of smiles creep across her face once more.

"Yeah."

The sound of the radio fills the silence on the drive to her house. As they arrive, she prepares to get out of the car quickly but just as she moves to open the door, she feels Adam's hand on her.

"Wait." he says simply and though hesitant, she obliges. "I wanted to say I had a great time tonight." He stops and turns more severe. "Look Marissa, I don't know what it is you've been through or just how complicated your relationship with your ex is." She blushes at the last comment and she hopes the sparse lighting hides the redness of her cheeks. "But I think there's something here between us. Something that could be a lot of fun. Something that's worth looking into."

His eyes are smoldering when they look at her and she wants once more to kiss him. She doesn't. Instead she remains rooted to her seat, completely silent.

"I need to think." she says at last.

He smiles kindly and leans to kiss her on the cheek. "Okay." She knows this goodbye. She steps out of the car and gives him a small wave as he drives away. It had never occurred to her that the prospect of letting go of those old feelings for Ryan could be so saddening.

In the end, it's Berkeley which prompts her into action. Ryan is unable to come to the induction weekend after the doctors advise him to not to travel since it may be too strenuous for his body. She had almost stayed in Newport with him but he had threatened to carry her on to the plane. So she had ended up at Berkeley alone with every possible anxiety running through her mind and there being no Ryan to reduce her stress. By the time the weekend rears its finish, she revels in the newness of the Berkeley grounds. It's different from Newport and she adores it. Change is calling out to her and she is no longer frightened of it. When she arrives back in Newport, the first thing she does is visit him.

She stands nervously on his doorstep wondering if he is home and if he was, how would he take to seeing her. As she hears the door lock turning, her heartbeat quickens. The door opens and Adam's familiar smiling face looks on to her.

"I think I owe you an explanation." she immediately launches. "I just got out of a very serious relationship, with the ex who was at the hospital. I'm not fully sure if I'm even over him completely but I think you were right that we have something. I think that's why I got scared the other night because it's been a long time since I've really felt anything that strong with anyone who hasn't been _him. _ I'll understand if you don't want this anymore. After hearing this you probably don't and I admit it, I am a mess, but if you haven't changed your mind then well, I want to see where this goes."

The smile on his face grows wider as he moves forward her and kisses her freely. The kiss is perhaps not as euphoric as the many she had shared with Ryan but it's exhilarating in its own way. It's light and easy and still causes a warm tingle to rush through her body. This time she doesn't pull away.

* * *

He watches in vain, filled with bitterness, as Marissa goes to Prom with another man. The first time he sees them together is when they arrive at the Cohen's pre-Prom party. He catches sight of them instantly as they walk through the door. His first thought is that she looks breathtaking, followed by how equally dashing her date looks. He notices his arm loosely hanging along her waist and with disgust he notes how compatible they look together. At least he isn't dateless, he tells himself for comfort but then again, it is just him and Theresa.

Marissa rushes over to greet him where he is standing with Theresa. She hugs Theresa and he wonders how on earth she acts so graciously. Next to her, he notices a hand stuck out for him to shake. Adam, her date, is looking right at him. Forcing himself to smile, he politely shakes it. Marissa does the introductions and he exerts every effort to keep the smile on his face. To make matters worse he comes to quickly realise the new guy is verging on perfection. Julie fawns over him, Summer is already close friends with him and even Seth is gushing when he finds out he's in a band. The painful part is seeing how effortlessly he has fit into Marissa's life. What really cuts into him is watching her light up so easily when he makes a remark or whispers something in her ear. The hurt is all the more intensified by the subtle twinges of happiness he feels whenever she is smiling so broadly.

He spends his Prom in despair. Theresa attempts to cheer him up catching on to his low spirits but it's useless. All he can feel is misery. He's tempted to sleep with her and thinks if she didn't have her baby, they might have done so. It's not that he is harbouring old feelings, he would just like to forget about his self-pity for a while. Theresa leaves before Prom is even over because the nanny called with a problem. He lets her go with little reluctance. He knows at that moment that in the end, she will only ever be a friend to him. Never anything more.

Marissa finds him at the after party, standing outside, a few too many beers worse off. He had tried to avoid her the whole night, unsure of how to act around her and her date. Staying away from her saved him from potentially embarrassing himself. Instead, he did something he hadn't done since his Chino days, he drank.

"Hey." she says unsurely taking in his slightly drunken state. It makes her worried. "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine. Really." His voice is slightly less steady than usual but he isn't so drunk as to be completely hammered. Absently he offers her his beer bottle and she takes it.

"I never thought I would see this day, you and me, drinking together." He chuckles in response.

"Well, here we are."

"Are you sure you are okay?" Marissa asks again.

"Yes." he stresses. Despite her best judgement, she lets it slide. She of all people cannot judge.

"I'm sorry about Theresa leaving."

He waves his hand, brushing her comment aside. "Don't be. We just came as friends anyway, it's not like I was expecting anything more to come from tonight."

"Did you _want_ anything more to come from tonight?"

"No, definitely no. We're just friends." It must be the alcohol in his bloodstream because he finds himself continuing. "To be honest, I don't think I've seen her more than as a friend since, God, since way back in Chino. Like way back, before I came to Newport. I mean even when we hooked up after our breakup, that just felt like hooking up with a friend, you know? I think we've always just been friends, who sometimes…"

"Slept with each other." she provided for him, debating internally whether she was enjoying his chatty streak or not.

"Yeah, it wasn't like you and me, you know. It was always something more with you, from the beginning." He laughs shakily. "Anyway, we're friends now."

"Are we just friends?" she asks quietly.

"You tell me." He smiles and she doesn't reply. They both know the answer, they are never _just _friends. Looking down on to the water, he mumbles, "He seems like a good guy. Adam."

She nods. "He is." He observes her and it hits him then just how happy this guy has made her. It's written all over her face. His heart breaks at the realisation that she is really moving on. He is jealous, he is scared, but she is happy. Next to her happiness the rest is inconsequential.

"I'm glad." he tells her sincerely. "You deserve to be happy Marissa."

She wraps her arm around him and he rests his head against hers.

"You too, Ryan."

* * *

She sleeps with Adam for the first time on the night after graduation. It is more meaningful than sleeping with Volchok, more passionate than Luke and more casual than Ryan. Their relationship carries into the summer but it never grows any more serious nor loses its appeal. As summer approaches its finish and his band has had no success, he tells her he has to leave. The break-up is easy. She is sad to see him go and to lose a great friend, but she doesn't experience the cutting hurt of losing a lover. She hadn't loved him but she had been happy. When they say their final goodbyes, she thanks him. He stares at her in confusion and she gives her cryptic explanation.

"You helped me realise something important."

And he had helped. Over the summer, she came to grasp that her life could go on without Ryan. If a future ever came where her and Ryan did not end up together, she could still be okay.

However over that same summer, she also started to learn that her and Ryan could make it work as friends. Where they just friends? Who knows, but then again, who cares? She never has, not when it came to having Ryan in her life. Some things, like him, like their relationship, whatever state that may be in, have always been more important to her than the rest of it, the hurt, the pain and the mistakes. She used to think it didn't matter so much to him; he always let her go so easily. But she watched him this summer, making an effort to sustain their friendship, wanting to keep it going. Things have changed, and often it feels like they still are changing. Now, with only the final days of summer left, Berkeley is palpable and change has never been more imminent. Yet oddly, the only thing she trusts, and treasures, is that Ryan will be a constant.

* * *

_Individual replies: (although as a standard THANK YOU to all of you) _

_betweentheraindrops: Oh I completely agree that Marissa would be hurting so much if this happened. I think my version is likely to be a lot lighter than may be the case. If this happened, things would be darker and I do feel quite often when I'm writing this that I'm glossing over things. But I trust that people can fill in little gaps for themselves (hopefully). Agree so so much with your comment on Ryan, he is HER guy. I know exactly what you mean. _

_Chinocoop81: Your guess was right. I'm glad people are getting the purpose of the new guy, rather than just resenting him as a roadblock. Josh was always so cruel to Marissa, she never got a break. It's so true about the fics, it's probably why there are so many post-The Graduates fics of Ryan coping with Marissa's death and annoyingly, most of them are some of the best RM fics I've read._

_baggirl: Yay to loving the new guy as well! Ryan/Sadie discussed Berkeley in The Day After Tomorrow I think. They were looking into living plans and Ryan was saying crap like no one ever understood him like Sadie. Sadie is truly the worst._

_RyanMarissa: There isn't too much of jealous Ryan here but I hope you enjoy the little there is. I will have Ryan be more proactive in coming chapters. I think with this fic I wanted Ryan to take more of the Marissa-position. There's jealousy there but he cares about her enough not to be petty._


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